5:26
i live in fear. fear about my parents. fear about my schooling. fear about not succeeding. but the scariest fear is the unknown.
right now all i know is my mother is keeping something huge from my sister and i. a few months back she apparently was up to something that my dad won't tell me. all he said was "there's another reason she wanted to move to duluth. maybe when your older one of us will tell you."
that is the scariest thing to hear from a parent. im sitting here on the verge of tears. what is my response to that?
im in therapy but i don't know if i could handle a divorce or a parent cheating. i really don't know. that could really push me over the edge. we trust our parents but that would break it all. i've seen my parents the same way for over 15 years now, i can't see it changing. that would scare me. i hate change.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Morals and Faith
8:15 am.
life. it is the best of times, it is the worst of times (go Dickens). how do people get thru the day? sometimes i wonder...
i see so many different ways of living. living in wealth, living in poverty, living in sadness, living in happiness, etc. so which is right?
what is fair? my sister is getting a snowboard for christmas while i'm getting an ipod. is it fair? is it fair that i am complaining about that while kids in africa aren't getting food?
as people, i think we've forgotten our morals. our morals to help those who are less fortunate and needing love. morals like be giving of yourself and don't lose faith. we all need faith.
i have forgotten that. i've lost my faith and it took me until a wake up call yesterday to get it back. we all need a wake up call because our lives our never perfect so why should we act? we are not posers or imposters but people going on this crazy rollercoaster called life.
be loving, be caring, be forgiving. i mean had i not forgiven, i don't think my mom and i would've been talking for, oh, over a month. forgiveness can do wonders. give it a chance
life. it is the best of times, it is the worst of times (go Dickens). how do people get thru the day? sometimes i wonder...
i see so many different ways of living. living in wealth, living in poverty, living in sadness, living in happiness, etc. so which is right?
what is fair? my sister is getting a snowboard for christmas while i'm getting an ipod. is it fair? is it fair that i am complaining about that while kids in africa aren't getting food?
as people, i think we've forgotten our morals. our morals to help those who are less fortunate and needing love. morals like be giving of yourself and don't lose faith. we all need faith.
i have forgotten that. i've lost my faith and it took me until a wake up call yesterday to get it back. we all need a wake up call because our lives our never perfect so why should we act? we are not posers or imposters but people going on this crazy rollercoaster called life.
be loving, be caring, be forgiving. i mean had i not forgiven, i don't think my mom and i would've been talking for, oh, over a month. forgiveness can do wonders. give it a chance
Monday, December 14, 2009
Pain
3:05
I'm always debating with one of my best friends if physical pain hurts more than mental/emotional. I think it depends on how a person is. If they can withstand mental pain than physical hurts more. While for me, it depends on the day. I have a high physical pain tolerance, but I don't let anyone feel my emotional pain because I feel vulnerable and I hate that feeling. I'm too tough for my own good sometimes. I don't want the hurt that comes with being vulnerable, but I guess I'm causing myself to have more pain then relieving any of it.
I guess it is up to you, world, to decide. Is it mental pain that hurts worse than physical or vice versa?
Never forget that we, as people, leave an imprint on others. We can teach them to be trusting or untrusting, happy or unhappy, secure or insecure, extroverted or introverted, etc., etc. The list could truly go on forever. Never forget the first impression you make because that truly does define who you are in someones mind. As much as we hate to admit it, people remember your first impression, and it takes a lot to change a person's mind about what they think of you.
My comment of the day: find a way to relieve the pain and be open-minded. The world wouldn't be where it is today if people weren't willing to work together.
I'm always debating with one of my best friends if physical pain hurts more than mental/emotional. I think it depends on how a person is. If they can withstand mental pain than physical hurts more. While for me, it depends on the day. I have a high physical pain tolerance, but I don't let anyone feel my emotional pain because I feel vulnerable and I hate that feeling. I'm too tough for my own good sometimes. I don't want the hurt that comes with being vulnerable, but I guess I'm causing myself to have more pain then relieving any of it.
I guess it is up to you, world, to decide. Is it mental pain that hurts worse than physical or vice versa?
Never forget that we, as people, leave an imprint on others. We can teach them to be trusting or untrusting, happy or unhappy, secure or insecure, extroverted or introverted, etc., etc. The list could truly go on forever. Never forget the first impression you make because that truly does define who you are in someones mind. As much as we hate to admit it, people remember your first impression, and it takes a lot to change a person's mind about what they think of you.
My comment of the day: find a way to relieve the pain and be open-minded. The world wouldn't be where it is today if people weren't willing to work together.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Parents
10:18 pm
you know what? parents are just horrid. mine are on the verge of divorce and it is so much tension! today, i wanted to go to the boys basketball game and my dad decided he didn't want to take my sister, her friend, and i so he didn't. my mom ended up dropping me off at a friend's house and showing up over an hour late to a party that she was in charge of. it was ridiculous and to top it off, he is thinking about putting phone restrictions on! since when? you gave me unlimited texting so let me use it. geez. where is this coming from? it is frustrating. it is like both my parents are taking their anger out on me.
you know what? parents are just horrid. mine are on the verge of divorce and it is so much tension! today, i wanted to go to the boys basketball game and my dad decided he didn't want to take my sister, her friend, and i so he didn't. my mom ended up dropping me off at a friend's house and showing up over an hour late to a party that she was in charge of. it was ridiculous and to top it off, he is thinking about putting phone restrictions on! since when? you gave me unlimited texting so let me use it. geez. where is this coming from? it is frustrating. it is like both my parents are taking their anger out on me.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Snow
snow is different. its beautiful to watch but lasts for awhile. quite like love actually. at first it is beautiful and new then it can fade or stay. every little dream is to have prince charming sweep her off her feet. don't get me wrong, i'm a hopeless romantic but i've gotten kind of bitter about it because the only guy who said i like you was after one of my best friends. very nice, i know. all i want is prince charming. is that too much to ask?
Life and Friends
2:40
You know what? Life never agrees with you. Parents live in their own world and it's all about them. For me, my parents are on the verge of divorce. How lovely. If it weren't for my friends...I can't imagine where I would be. I have friends who give me the strength to keep going. They show me that people give you strength and the best friends will be honest with you even with it hurts. I hope everyone has those friends. I mean the reason I'm blogging is from one of my two all time best friends.
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